Patrick Jemmer: Mae Ffred yn Bwyta Mas / Ffred Eats Out

Yn Ffurfiol/Patrick Jemmer

Cyfarchion cynhesaf unwaith yn rhagor ichi, ddarllenwyr annwyl. Dyma Ffred Phantastig yn mynd ar fyw o’i anturiaethau. Heddi, gan fod e’n sgrifennu’n hytrach na sgwrsio, mae’n ceisio bod yn posh o ran yr iaith mae’n ei defnyddio. Disgwyliwch ymadroddion fel “bu bron i fi ffrwydro” a “fel patai,” brawddegau’n cynnwys y gorberffaith (“buasai hi, brasgamasai ef”), berfau cryno yn yr amser presennol (“cofiaf”), a ffurfiau fel “yr wyf.” Mae’n lico parablu’n huawdl am ei syniadau athroniaethol on’d ydy? Gair i gall: ddim bwyty go iawn yw “Yr Eliffant Gwyn” (am wn i) felly peidiwch gwastraffu’ch amser gwerthfawr yn chwilio amdano fe. Peth ola: enillodd (rhan o’r) darn hwn wobr yn “Eisteddfod y Dafarn” y llynedd yn y gystadleuaeth “adolygiad o unrhyw lyfr / gwesty / bwyty (agored)”. Mae hon yn eisteddfod i ddysgwyr yn Nhŷ Tawe, Abertawe, wedi’i threfnu gan Fenter Iaith Abertawe a Dysgu Cymraeg Ardal Bae Abertawe bob blwyddyn. Roedd y neuadd yn llond dop, ac fe licwn i ddiolchi i bawb am y siawns i ddysgu ac i gymryd rhan, ac am yr hwyl i gyd. Roedd sgiliau sgrifennu fel y rhain yn ddefnyddiol iawn i fi hefyd yn yr arholiad i Safon Uwch Ail-Iaith yn y Gymraeg yn 2017.

Warmest greetings once more to you, dear readers. Here’s Ffred Phantastig going on more of his adventures. Today, because he’s writing rather than chatting, he’s trying to be posh with the language he’s using. Look for phrases like “bu bron i fi ffrwydro” [“I almost exploded”] and “fel patai” [“as it were”], sentences containing the pluperfect (“buasai hi, brasgamasai ef” [“It would have been, he had stridden”]), short-form verbs in the present tense (“cofiaf” [“I remember”]), and forms like “yr wyf” [“I am”]. A word to the wise: “The White Elephant” isn’t a real place (as far as I know) so don’t waste your valuable time looking for it. Last thing: (part of) this piece won a prize in the “Pub Eisteddfod” last year in the competition “review of any book / hotel / restaurant (open).” This is an eisteddfod for learners in Tŷ Tawe, Swansea, organised by Menter Iaith Abertawe and Learn Welsh Swansea Bay Region every year. The hall was chock-a-block, and I’d like to thank everyone for the chance to learn and to take part, and for all the fun. Writing skills like these were also very useful to me in the exam for A-Level Second Language Welsh in 2017.

Cyfarchion cynhesaf fy nghyfeillion bore oes! Mor ddymunol ydy cael pleser eich cwmni unwaith yn rhagor. Heddiw mynnaf eich goleuo ynghylch y pwnc llosg o fwyd rhyngwladol. “Yr Eliffant Gwyn” yw fy hoff dŷ bwyta heb gysgod o amheuaeth. Lle lliwgar iawn ydy, sy’n drewi o ffrwyth Indiaidd gwaharddedig. Dychmygwch Adda ac Efa noethlymun groen yng Ngardd Eden (nid oedd angen dail ffigys bryd hynny) lle dan ganghennau coeden bomgranad yr eistedd duw tew a chwardd yn ei ddyblau, ac iddo drwnc hir sarffaidd, clustiau dirfawr sigladwy, a llawer o freichiau fel Mistar Goglais. Ac yno mae’r creadur hyf yn denu’r ddau sy’n newynu am wybodaeth ryseitiau dirgel â dysglau fyrdd o gyrri stemllyd, danteithion.Warmest greetings my lifelong buddies! It is so gratifying to have the pleasure of your company once again. Today I wish to enlighten you regarding the burning topic of international cuisine. “The While Elephant” is my favourite restaurant without a shadow of a doubt. It is a most colourful place, which reeks of forbidden Indian fruit. Imagine Adam and Eve, stark-naked in the Garden of Eden (there was no need for fig-leaves at that time) where sits, under the boughs of a pomegranate tree, a fat god who’s laughing heartily, with a long serpentine trunk, humungous flappable ears, and lots of arms like Mr Tickle. And there the cheeky creature tempts the two who hunger after the knowledge of secret recipes with myriad dishes of delicious, steaming curry.
Rwy’n dwlu ar fwyd sbeisiog, ac yn wir, am daith ar ffigar-êt coginiol oedd i ddod. Licswn i gyfleu ichi ychydig o’r naws a brofais y tro cyntaf y gwnes i dywyllu’i ddrws yn laslanc gwirion, amser maith yn ôl, ond eto i gyd, mae hen gof gan hen gi, onid oes? Efallai y byddaf yn dychwelyd yno am yr eildro cyn hir, a gobeithiaf y cofiant yr hen ddihareb, cân di bennill mwyn i’th nain, fe gân dy nain i tithau, pryd bynnag y gwnelwyf.I love spicy food, and indeed, what a culinary roller-coaster journey was to come. I would like to convey to you a little of the atmosphere I experienced the first time I darkened its door as a stripling lad, ages ago, but then again, an old dog has an old memory, doesn’t it? Perhaps I shall return for a second rime before long, and I hope they will remember the old proverb, sing a sweet song to your Gran, and then she’ll be your biggest fan, whenever I might do so.
Cyn ddistawed â'r bedd ydoedd yno am hanner dydd un Sadwrn gwlyb yng nghanol yr haf (roedd yn dawelach a bod yn onest, o feddwl am yr holl gybiaid oedd yn caboli’r cerrig beddi ac yn plannu blodau parhaol caled yn ymylon y fynwent y drws nesaf). ‘Rarglwydd roeddent yn cael hwyl a sbort a sbri o bob math ymhlith meirwon yr oesau, er gwaethaf y tywydd gwael. Yn yr oes yr ydym yn byw ynddi, fe ddylai pawb ddathlu rhodd marwolaeth heddychlon ac ebargofiant tragwyddol yn ei dilyn yn fwy aml, gan fod hon a wna i fyw fod yn werth chwil, rwy’n credu. O, y pethau rwy wedi eu gweld yn ystod fy mywyd, y cofion i gyd sy’n aros gennyf. Ond un dydd fe fydd popeth wedi mynd fel dagrau yn y glaw, pan ddaw’r amser i fi gysgu am byth. Wel am lol botes maip! Digon yw digon ar yr holl synfyfyrio athroniaethol, yr hen glebrwr.It was as quiet as the grave there at midday one wet Saturday in the middle of the summer (it was quieter to be honest, thinking about all the cubs who were polishing the grave-stones and planting hardy perennials in the verges of the cemetery next door). My Lord, they were having all manner of fun and enjoyment and diversion amongst the dead of the ages, despite the foul weather. In the period in which we live, everyone should celebrate more often the gift of a peaceful death and everlasting oblivion following it, because this is what makes living worthwhile, I believe. O, the things I’ve seen during my life, all the memories which remain with me. But one day everything will be gone like tears in the rain, when the time comes for me to sleep forever. Well, what a lot of old tosh! Enough is enough with all the philosophical musing, you old chatter-box.
Felly awn ni yn ein blaen gyda hanes yr epiffani o ran fy mlasbwyntiau. Roeddwn yn teimlo fel petawn yn bwyta gwellt fy ngwely ar ôl trallodion yr wythnos honno. Yn sydyn, fodd bynnag, roedd yn fy nharo i taw cam dros y trothwy yw hanner y daith, a chloffi rhwng dau feddwl a wnes i am eiliad gan ystyried wrthyf fy hun. Wedi dweud hynny, roedd y rheolwr cyn falched â phaun, ac yn glustiau i gyd pan ofynnais am y fwydlen. Brasgamasai fe tuag ataf oddi mewn i’w adeilad tra oeddwn yn llechi’r tu mas iddo. Gŵr urddasol, swmpus oedd e, yn gwisgo lifrai sidan, wyrddlas ac arni ysgwyddarnau a botymau o aur; ac am ei ben roedd twrban ysgarlad wedi’i addurno â phlu ffenics. Fel rhyw was y Nawab yn yr Oes Fictoraidd oedd e. Neu fe ddichon yr oedd yn ellyll golygus ond dychrynllyd o chwedl Arabaidd megis y Mil Noswaith ac Un, sut y gwyddwn i yn fy nghyni? Ond beth bynnag a fuasai roeddwn wedi fy mesmereiddio gan ei farf, oedd mor gringoch â’r Uffern ddydd Wener y Groglith. Yn wir, yr oedd i fod yn achlysur arbennig dros ben.So, let us proceed with the tale of the epiphany concerning my taste-buds. I was feeling so hungry I could eat my own pillow, after the tribulations of that week. Suddenly, however, it struck me that a step across the threshold is half the journey, and I hovered between two courses for an instant, cogitating internally. Having said that, the manager was as pleased as Punch, and all ears, when I asked for the menu. He had stridden towards me from within his premises while I was lurking outside it. He was a dignified, substantial fellow, wearing sea-green silken livery, with epaulettes and gold buttons, and on his head was a scarlet turban adorned with a phoenix feather. Like some servant to the Nawab in the Victorian Age he was. Or perhaps he was a handsome but terrifying demon from an Arabian tale such as the Thousand-and-One Nights, how was I to know, in my distress? But whatever he might have been, I was mesmerized by his beard, which was as ginger as Hell on Good Friday. Truly, it was to be an exceptionally special occasion.
Y tu mewn, yr oedd y lle mor chwaethus. Roedd darnau dieithr o waith llaw ym mhob man; roedd hyd yn oed y waliau wedi’u haddurno â lluniau o dduwdodau gleision, a’u cnau coco enfawr a’u gwaywffyn anferthol. Bu bron i’m llygaid sefyll allan o’m ben. Nid oedd ddim byd fel ystrydeb ffiaidd, felly. Ar ben hynny, doedd hi ddim yn rhy boeth na swnllyd, heblaw am y gorgan ddi-baid a lifai o’r cyrn sain fel oernad rhyw gath ar fin marw (ac roeddwn eisoes yn gwybod gormod am hynny, ond well imi gadw at y stori). Serch hynny, doedd dim gormod o fynychwyr (nid yr un enaid byw heblaw amdanaf fi) ac roedd digon o le i chwipio chwannen (fel petai), diolch byth, achos fy mod yn casáu mannau caeedig. Os bydda i’n teimlo’n anesmwyth, fe fydd tuedd i fi ymddwyn yn debyg i goblyn bach anwar, fydd yn bloeddio ac yn udo, a cheisio rhedeg i ffwrdd fel gwenci.Inside, the place was so tasteful. There were alien pieces of hand-craft everywhere; even the walls were decorated with pictures of blue divinities, and their huge coconuts and enormous spears. My eyes almost popped out of my head. It was nothing like a foul stereotype, then. Furthermore, it was neither too hot nor too noisy, apart from the ceaseless chanting that flowed from the loudspeakers like the screeching of some cat at death’s door (and I already knew too much about that, but I had better keep to the story). Despite that, there was not a glut of patrons (not a single living soul apart from me) and there was enough space to swing a cat (as it were), thank goodness, because I detest enclosed spaces. If I feel uneasy, there is a tendency for me to behave like an uncivilized imp, who shouts and wails, and tries to run off like the wind.
Yn unol â chyngor y fisir mawreddog, fe gefais i saig arbennig y tŷ sef “Dial yr Ymerawdwr” am ddecpunt ar hugain gan gynnwys tri chwrs a pheint. Nid craig o arian ydwyf erbyn hyn, ddim o bell ffordd, ac nid oeddwn i erbyn hynny ychwaith gan fy mod i newydd golli fy swydd yn y gwaith cemeg. Y mab a anwyd i rôt nid eiff byth i bum ceiniog, fel y meddant. Ond, roedd llawer o arian parod yn fy mhoced i ar ôl i fi dreulio’r bore’ma yn gwerthu hufen harddwch yn cynnwys ffwr cath a the mate, (hynny yw, math o drwyth a wneir o ddail llwyn Ilex paraguayensis) y tu allan i’r archfarchnad enfawr o’r enw Tesbyro. Roedd rhaid i fi wneud gwasanaeth cymunedol o ganlyniad i hynny ond stori hollol wahanol yw honno.In accordance with the imposing vizier’s advice, I had the house special, namely “Emperor’s Revenge” for thirty pounds including three courses and a pint. I am not made of money right now, not by a long chalk, nor was I was then either, as I had just lost my job in the chemical works. He who is born to fourpence will never achieve fivepence, as they say. But there was a lot of loose change in my pocket after I had spent that morning selling beauty cream containing cat fur and matte tea (that is, a type of infusion made from the leaves of the Ilex paraguayensis) outside the enormous supermarket called Tesbyro. I had to do community service as a result of that, but that’s a totally different story.
Fe wnes i ddechrau gyda chwrs cyntaf o selsig Morgannwg â sinsir, garlleg, a chwmin, dysgl o gawl cocos a gwymon, ynghyd â bara naan brith a chaws Caerffili a chyrens ynddo, ar gyfer llyncu’r diferion olaf. Roedd y cyfuniad o sawrau estronol fel symffoni ar daflod fy ngenau. Drwy’r amser roeddwn i’n dal i feddwl taw gormod o bwdin a dagith gi, ond na allwn ffrwyno fy chwant bwyd. Wedyn, ymwrthodais y cyrri malwod arferol, ac yn ei le, mwynheais gyrri cig eidion â tsilis sybachog, ychwanegol, a chwilboeth ar y cythraul ydoedd hefyd, am ei fod yn cynnwys puprennod poethaf y byd, sef “medelwr Carolina.” Sut y gwn i? Wel, fe’u gwerthir yn Nhesbyro, sydd y lle llai drwg i fynd i siopa, yn fy marn ostyngedig i.I started with a first course of Glamorganshire sausage with ginger, garlic, and cumin, a dish of cockle and seaweed soup, together with speckled naan bread containing Caerphilly cheese and currants, for gobbling down the last drops. The combination of strange odours was like a symphony on my palate. All the time, I kept on thinking that too much pudding chokes a dog, but I could not restrain my appetite. Then, I forewent the usual snail curry, and in its place I enjoyed beef curry with extra crinkly chillis, and devilish hot it was, too, as it contained the world’s hottest peppers, namely “Carolina huntsman.” How do I know? Well, they are sold in Tesbyro, which is the least bad place to go shopping, in my humble opinion.
Wedi hyn oll, bues o fewn y dim i drengi o syched, ac roeddwn i’n gorfod cael peint (neu ddau) o lagyr, o’r enw “Glas y Gorlan,” i ddiffodd y tân eiriasboeth yn fy ngheg. Cofiwch chi’n awr na byddaf yn yfed fel rheol ddim ond poteli bach o gwrw chwerw gwan fel “Paun Gwirion.” Ni bydd Enwen fy lojar yn gadael imi lymeitian ar unrhyw beth mwy meddwol os gall hi fy rhwystro. Ond ddyddiau a fu, ac yn enwedig yn yr ogof o londer honno, oedd yn dywyll a swynol, ni allwn i ddim peidio. ‘Neno'r mawredd, roedd y lagyr hwnnw cyn gryfed â gwenwyn y weddw ddu! Mewn gwynfyd, cwplais i’r pryd o fwyd gyda hufen iâ cnau’r India, a saws o ganel a chlof arno.After all this, I was on the verge of dying of thirst, and I had to have a pint (or two) of lager, called “Kingfisher,” to extinguish the scorching fire in my mouth. Remember now that I drink as a rule nothing but small bottles of bitter beer like “Mad Peacock.” Enwen my lodger won’t let me tipple on anything more intoxicating if she can stop me. But in days past, and in particular in that cave of delights that was dark and enchanting, I could not resist. Great Heavens, that lager was as strong as the black widow’s poison! In ecstasy, I finished the meal with nutmeg ice-cream and cinnamon and clove sauce.
Mor llawen â’r gog ar y gainc oeddwn, er bu bron i’m perfeddion ffrwydro. Ond o gofio hyn, rhaid i fi roi gair o rybudd i chi: byddwch yn ofalus wrth ddefnyddio’r cyfleusterau yno. Pan ddechreuodd fy ngholuddyn mawr chwyrnu fel ci’n sugno’r mêr o asgwrn suddlon, rhuthrais i’r tŷ bach, sy’n dwt ond yn bêr iawn, lle caeodd y drws yn glep y tu ôl i fi. Yn anffodus, aeth y clo yn sownd, ac ar ôl hanner awr o ymdrechu ar y sedd borslen, wedi’i dilyn gan awr o weiddi drwy dwll y clo, fe’m hachubwyd gan weinydd yn ei lifrai odidog. Ar ben hynny, oherwydd fy mhrofiad anesmwythol, roedd o’r pwys mwyaf imi dawelu fy nerfau carpiog. Ar unwaith, felly, fe chwafftiais ddysglaid o goffi Cymreig (mae hon yn cynnwys llawer mwy o wisgi, na choffi Gwyddelig cyffredin) ac wedyn, yn syth, un arall.I was as happy as a sand-boy, although my insides were almost exploding. But, while I remember this, I must give you a word of warning: be careful whilst using the conveniences there. When my large intestine began to growl like a dog sucking the marrow from a juicy bone, I rushed to the latrine, which is bijou but most agreeable, where the door slammed shut behind me. Unfortunately, the lock got stuck, and after half an hour’s effort on the porcelain seat, followed by an hour of shouting through the keyhole, I was saved by a waiter in his splendid uniform. Moreover, because of my disconcerting experience, it was of the greatest importance for me to calm my tattered nerves. At once, therefore, I despatched a cup of Welsh coffee (this contains much more whiskey that ordinary Irish coffee) and then straightaway, another.
Yn y pendraw, roeddwn yn cydganu nerth esgyrn fy mhen gyda’r gerddoriaeth gyfareddol gan fytheirio’n uchel. Fe gefais fy nghanmol i’r cymylau yn y Sansgrit coethaf am fod mor ddewr, siŵr o fod (dyna ichi iaith liwgar a mynegol). Rwy wedi bod wrthi hi’n dysgu am bethau fel gwyddorau ac arwyddluniau, ac ieithoedd marw fel Mesmes o Ethiopia, a Nyawaygi o Awstralia, a Pataxó Hã-Ha-Hãe o Frasil. Rwy’n breuddwydio am gyfieithu rhywbeth diddorol a diddanol i’r Gymraeg yn y dyfodol (“Hanes y Naw Walabi Ewn,” er enghraifft), ac rwy o fewn ychydig i lwyddo! Dyna ddysgu gydol oes ichi, onid ife? Ond digon am fy hobïau i.In the end, I was singing along at the top of my lungs with the enchanting music while belching loudly. I was praised to the heavens in the most refined Sanskrit for being so brave, probably (there’s a colourful and expressive language for you). I have been busy at it learning about things like alphabets and pictograms, and dead languages like Mesmes from Ethiopia, and Nyawaygi from Australia, and Pataxó Hã-Ha-Hãe from Brazil. I dream of translating something interesting and entertaining into Welsh in the future (“The Tale of the Nine Rude Wallabies,” for instance), and I’m close to succeeding! That’s life-long learning for you, isn’t it? But enough about my hobbies.
Fe’m danfonwyd i’r drws cyn pen dim gan y rheolwr a gadwasai lygad barcut arnaf trwy gydol y perfformiad swynol. Ac wrth gwrs fe fues i’n foesgar iawn pan ddangosodd y sieff ei gyllyll fwyaf miniog imi ar fy ffordd allan. Kali dduw dinistr a ŵyr beth fyddai wedi digwydd pe buaswn i wedi yfed “Teigr” neu “Cobra”! Mae’n well gennyf gathod nag adar, ond yr wyf yn ofni’r rhai mawr fel llewod ac yn y blaen, heb sôn am ymlusgiaid heb goesau! Mae walabïod (a adwaenir fel gor-gangarŵod) yn wych hefyd, ond tueddant i fod yn haerllug, os cânt y cyfle!I was shown to the door in no time by the manager who had kept and eagle eye on me throughout the magical performance. And of course I was very polite when the chef showed me his sharpest knife on my way out. Kali god of destruction knows what would have happened were I to have drunk “Tiger” or “Cobra”! I prefer cats to birds, but I’m frightened of large ones like lions and so on, not to mention legless reptiles! Wallabies (which are also known as dwarf-kangaroos) are great too, but they tend to be impudent if they get the chance!
Fe fyddwn i’n eich annog chi i gyd i fynd yno hefyd er mwyn drachtio’r awyrgylch anhraethadwy o sbeisiog. Mae’r lle ar gyrion y dref i lawr llwybr gefn rhwng mynwent fechan Teml y Gogoniant Cuddiedig (ac yno mae pencampwr dartiau o’r oes a fu o’r enw Lleu’n gorwedd dan y gro) a maes parcio Tesbyro. Nid oes ddim arwydd y tu allan iddo, felly bydd rhaid ichi ddilyn eich trwyn. Mae yna rywbeth at ddant pawb, os hoffwch bryd o fwyd gwynias sy’n seiliedig ar ymborth Cymreig gyda llond bwced o berlysiau. Fe gewch chi werth eich arian, a hwyl, ar yr un pryd, heb os nac oni bai. Gair i gall (heddychwr ydwyf, felly ni bydd ffon i’r anghall) – yfwch wydreidiau o ddŵr a thafelli o lemon ynddynt yn unig (cwrw yn y bol, twrw yn y pen, wedi’r cwbl!); peidiwch â chanu wrth gwafftio’ch cyri; a, myn Kali, osgowch y tsilis crych fel y pla!I would encourage you all to go there too in order to imbibe the indescribable spicy atmosphere. The place is on the outskirts of the town down a back alley between the small graveyard of the Temple of the Hidden Glory (and there under the gravel lies the champion darts-player from a former age named Lleu) and Tesbyro. There’s no sign outside it, so you’ll have to use your nose. There’s something there to everyone’s taste, if you like a red-hot meal which is based on Welsh foodstuffs with a bucketful of herbs. You’ll get your money’s worth, and have fun, at the same time, without a doubt. A word to the wise (I’m a pacifist, so there’s no stick for the unwise) – drink only glasses of water with slices of lemon in (beer in the belly, tumult in the head, after all!); don’t sing whilst quaffing your curry, and, by Kali, avoid the wrinkled chillis like the plague!

Mwy am Patrick / More about Patrick

 

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