What’s On In Cwmcarn

David Jandrell’s first ‘What’s On In Cwmcarn’ newsletter- Legacy Edition

This is a digital reproduction of the very first Whats On In Cwmcarn newsletter, which began to document David Jandrell's love of Valleyspeak, and later became the book Cwmtwp: Gossip From the Valleys and led to the Welsh Valleys Phrasebook and Welsh Valleys Humour.  Sit back and enjoy this reproduction, or legacy editition, as introduced by the discoverer of the newsletter and its jokes in its Cwmtwp format...
Personal log of Professor Nigel Jones, University of Northern Hemisphere, 26th April 2425. "I was intrigued to be given access to an artefact known as a CD-ROM a few years ago. It was an ancient storage device and after a lot of research from colleagues, I was able to read the information that it contained. It was an archive of a periodical entitled, What's On In Cwmtwp. This periodical reported the goings on in a small village known as Cwmtwp and the information gave me a great insight into what life must have been like in those days. I learned about: Emerson, Lake and Palmer; the British Dental Awards; Ms Laura Norder who lived in Letzbee Avenue and who wasn't a police officer; Sergeant Hogg -  boss at Cwmtwp police station; the cancellation of the slimming club meeting as it coincided with the closing down sale at the cake shop; The Cwmtwp Swearing Club; a rare Nigerian Camouflage bird on sale at the Cwmtwp petshop for £29.99, if they can find it; The UK Knitting Needle Bending team; The Rudyard Kipling Memorial Moth-Swatting Association; Buzz Collins the Cwmtwp astronaut; the European Flatulence Championships; the Uncouth Darts League  and many other, even more diverse practices.
It must have been fascinating living in Cwmtwp all those centuries ago, I was certainly fascinated reading about it. Oh, how I wish that I could go back and spend just one day there. End of log."

Cwmcarn Bid for City of Culture

The results of the 'City of Culture' bids has disappointed local dignitaries. Cwmcarn came last in the poll of 2,357 cities worldwide, 57 votes behind the last but one bid - a pile of broken glass 70 miles north of Beirut.

Bingo Ding Dong!

A fight broke out in the Cwmcarn Bingo club last night when members took offence to two fat ladies who were sitting near the fire escape before the first game started. Mrs Skrote, loudmouth and former captain of the UK Knitting Needle Bending Team, thought that the women had gone along purely to undermine and ridicule the hysterical Bingo Lingo, in particular the reference to the number 88. The fight was quickly brought under control and the evening continued without any more incidents. Further trouble was averted by Police who intercepted two little ducks who were waddling towards the club, and sent them packing.

Pub Duo done by Tax Office

Cwmcarn tax officials have had a success with their latest investigation. They have had a pub duo under surveillance for a while as they suspected that they may not be declaring their earnings to them. It was revealed that the guitarist was acting according to the law and was regularly making
payments. However, the second member of the duo, John Bower, the bloke that plays the violin, has been done for fiddling.

Cup Winners

Cwmcarn Asylum's football team have won the British Asylums Football Association Cup. In a tight game, the psychiatric patients won the match despite being one nil down at the half time interval. In the second half, they won through with two goals in the dying minutes to lift the trophy for the first time in their history. All the goals came from headers.

Cliché Bound?

A top professor has noticed that people are using cliches too much in everyday conversation. We asked a top English scholar if he agreed with this. He said: "When all said and done, and everythings been done and dusted, that's what it boils down to at the end of the day."

Pieman Issues Warning

A Cwmcarn baker who specialises in Squirrel Pie, has put a warning on the wrapper saying that the product may contain nuts.

Police Baffled

Police are baffled as to why Mrs Laura Norder, who lives in Letzbee Avenue is not actually in the Police force. "She sounds absolutely perfect for the job." said an absolutely baffled police spokesman today.

Mission Postponed

Dai Bond, a Cwmcarn spy, has had to postpone a sectret mission to infiltrate the Eastern Bloc and sabotage a plan to take over the free world as he has got to the final of the darts knockout. He will leave for Russia straight after the game.

Vet Bill Queried

Ron Fiscal, a Cwmcarn dog owner has queried a vet bill that he was given after taking his dog to the local surgery. "I took Rover in to see the vet and he told me he was dead. I asked for a second opinion and he brought in this labrador. The labrador sniffed Rover and barked and the vet said that the labrador had agreed that Rover was dead. I was not satisfied with this and the vet brought in a Siamese who pawed Rover and then purred. The vet said that the moggy agreed that Rover was dead and charged me £50!"
In response the vet added, "If this bloke had listened to me the bill would have been £10, but he insisted on the lab test and the cat scan."

Pimp Unhappy with Deal

A very shortsighted pimp from Cardiff is reported to be unhappy after forking out £100,000 to find that he had bought a 'Warehouse' in the centre of the village.

Clairvoyancy Works- Official!

We rang Mystic Mwfanwy this morning and she said, "Of course it does!"  Then we asked her if clairvoyancy really works.

Astronomy Find Poo-pooed

A previously unknown Nebula which was discovered by Cwmcarn amateur astronomer, Dai Galileo, caused a brief ripple of interest through the
Scientific world last week. However the Nebula was identfied as pigeon shit on the lens of Dai's telescope by proper astronomers yesterday.

Two Companies Merge

"BOLL" (Banquets of Luxurious Lusciousness) and former competitors "OCKS" (Outstanding Culinary Knockout Spreads), have decided to pool their resources and become one company, providing corporate lunches for big business do's in Cwmcarn Conference Centre.
To avoid confusion, they have decided to keep their original name 'tags' and amalgamate them into a new company name rather than make up a new one.
From now on, they will be known as "OCKSBOLL" as a result of a small matter brought to the attention of the Board by a printer who had been hired to produce the new company's stationery.

Bus Dispute Hots Up

A bitter row between two bus companies operating the same Cwmcarn to Cardiff route boiled over on the weekend in a fare cutting price war. The Omnibusman has been called in the settle the dispute.

Double World Champ

Ron Myopia, the most short sighted bloke in Cwmcarn, bought 250 tubes of Savlon as a job lot, believing them to be tubes of toothpaste. After three years of brushing with the Savlon he won both "World's Filthiest Teeth" and "World's Healthiest Gums" Championships at the British Dental Awards in London last Tuesday.

Frog Expert Dies

It is with regret that we report the death of Gerry Scoutmaster, a frog expert at Cwmcarn Zoo. He croaked in his sleep on Monday night.

Wig Theft!

Two thieves stole a lorryload of wigs yesterday and drove off towards Cwmcarn cement works. After losing control of the vehicle, they crashed into a large vat of concrete causing the lorry to lose its load, and the concrete to spill over the thieves, before they made their getaway. Today police were combing the area looking for two hardened criminals.

Car Mechanic Kicks Himself

A car mechanic kicked himself last week. "I replaced a perfectly good gear box with a brand new one, and then I realised I was working on my own car!" he said in a state of utter shock yesterday.

Thicke Family in Torment

The Thicke family was rocked by news that a relative from Cardiff has announced that their son has recently qualified as a barrister. Hilda, in shock, spoke out. "We were all hoping some good would come of this lad, he was always very bright and good in school. Now we've found out he spent over 7 years in college only to end up as a handrail on the top of the stairs!"

Maternity Ward Pushed to Limit

It was announced today that the maternity ward at Cwmcarn Royal Infirmery has had to impose an eighteen month waiting list for the admission of expectant mothers. A spokesman for local pregnant women said, "This is totally unacceptable."

Ask Dai

Roger McTwonk, a Cwmcarn Politics experts asks, "Dai, I am trying to write a thesis on post-war Prime Ministers - particularly which has been the most popular. I'm tied between Callaghan and Heath as being the most popular. Can you give me your impression of your favourite?" Dai replies, "I don't do impressions Roger, I suggest you have a word with someone like Rory Bremner or Bobby Davro."

Man Found Sane After All

A Cwmcarn man whose sanity has been in question for a number of years was today found sane by a panel of psychiatrists. After undergoing a series of tests, the experts confirmed his sanity to the reflief of the man. When shown a set of cards with blotches on and asked if they reminded him of anything, he correctly identified them as a Rorschach Inkblot Test.

What's Wrong with Me?

Major Seeley-Farqhar would like to know why he has always been the brunt of peoples' jokes and is being constantly ridiculed. If you know, write to us at the usual address.

Joke Opportunity Missed

An Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman walked into the pub on Saturday night with an actress and a Bishop. Ron Geste, leader of Cwmcarn Jokes Spotters, was said to be 'on edge' when the quintet was first noticed but his disposition changed somewhat when they had a drink and left without anything happening.

Open University Degree Awarded

We would like to congratulate Mrs Jenkins of Crappe Avenue for an outstanding educational feat. At the age of 58, she has passed with honours, an Open University degree in watching the telly at six o'clock in the morning.

Cwmcarn Hospital's Most Infectious

A man with Diptheria, Yellow Fever, Plague and Sars was put on a diet of kippers and pancakes yesterday. A doctor at the ward said, "It's the only meal we can slide under the door."

Books on Suicide Discontinued

Cwmcarn Library will no longer stock books giving tips on suicide as none of the previous ones that were borrowed have been returned.

Diahorrea Strain Identified

A Cwmcarn man who is suffering from a very aggressive form of sudden diahorrea attacks, has been told it is of the hereditary diahorrea type. When he asked what that was, doctors said, "It's in your genes."

Serial Lover in Hospital

A man was admitted to Cwmcarn Royal Infirmery last week and found to be suffering from Aids, Syphyllis, Gonorrhoea, Crabs and Chlamydia. Today, doctors described the man as being an 'incurable romantic.'

Daffodil Sandwiches ends in Tears

Fred Grimbles, a Cwmcarn snod woobler, was admitted to Cwmcarn Royal Infirmery yesterday after a mix up in the kitchen. After a few pints in the pub, he fancied some cheese and onion sandwiches. He was slightly more 'worse for wear' than he thought he was, and unfortunately used daffodil bulbs instead of onions. He became very ill and was taken into hospital for a routine check. Doctors decided to keep him in and said that he
should be out in the spring.

Trials for New Players

The trials for new players took place at Cwmcarn Rovers on Thursday night. As only eleven players were available for the session, Ron Sprig, the manager, placed eleven dustbins at random around the pitch so that the players could dribble around them in a mock game. The game was abandoned after 20 minutes as the dustbins were winning by 4-0.

New Shop For Village

A new shop is to open in the village selling Bonsai trees. Tim Querqus, a Cwmcarn tree enthusiast, has always been very interested in growing Bonsai trees and decided to combine his interest with a means of making a living. We spoke to him today. "I planted the seeds last weekend to start the trees growing", he said, "I would imagine the first trees being ready to go on the shelves in about 76 years."

Consumer Warning - Beware!

Police have warned punters that electric fires being sold dirt cheap at Cwmcarn Market may be hot.

Cheating Man Apprehended

A Cwmcarn man who was caught climbing over the wall at Cwmcarn Rovers' ground on Saturday, was ticked off by Police and told to wait until the end of the game and leave the ground through the main gates like any normal person.

New Word Proposed

Alex Icon, a Cwmcarn wordsmith is trying to get a new word introduced into the English Language. "I coined the word whilst playing 'Scrabble' last week- in fact I won the game with the word," he said excitedly from his study. "It's probably the longest word in the language that contains only one letter and appears 16 times consecutively." The word, 'NNNNNNNNNNNNNN', is said to mean 'constipation'.

Man Takes Club to Court

A Cwmcarn man is considering writing to someone to complain about having his application for a job turned down. "I was perfect for the job," he said today. "I have all the qualifications needed and I have years of experience. It's just not fair." In response to this claim Ron Eyebrow, secretary, said "Do you think we'd want someone with a name like Cecil St John Snetterton-Smythe Snr as our chairman? You're having a laugh."

Music Shop Break-In

Cwmcarn Music Shop was burgled on Friday night and everything was taken apart from Reggae, Blues, Rap and Soul records. Police are on the lookout for someone with good taste in music.

Sergeant Hogg Issues Warning

Sergeant Hogg, boss of Cwmcarn Police Station, has issued a warning to all people who do not want to be murdered. The warning comes as a result of watching hundreds of hours of footage of the TV programme, "Murder She Wrote." The statement, issued by Cwmcarn Police Station read, "If you are ever in a carriage on a train, or at a dinner party, and that Jessica Fletcher arrives, GET OUT OF THERE!"

Martial Arts Beating

Stig Watson, martial arts expert, reputed to be capable of killing with his bare feet, was beaten up by six skinheads outside the chip shop late on Friday night before he had a chance to get his socks off.

Meeting Called Off

There will be no slimming club today as it coincides with the closing down sale at the cake shop.


David Jandrell- Introducing Welsh Valleys Phrasebook

Y diweddaraf oddi wrth David Jandrell's Valleys Humour